on the edge of happiness

When people ask me how I am, and I say I am OK and happy, I wonder if they really believe me? Or that they believe that this is possible. Sometimes I wonder if it is possible. After all, how can I really be happy when I live with a life threatening illness? Of course it does depend a little on what the idea of "happiness" means for me, or anyone else. For me it means that I am feeling good about myself, I am getting pleasure and enjoyment out of my day to day activities and that when something amusing happens I can laugh. Then, isn't that what a lot of people would like? If yes, then I don't see why being happy is not possible for any medical condition one might be living with; if no - well it's probably more than just a medical condition that has be dealt with!

Happiness is something that has to be worked at, irrespective of one's health and living circumstances. For me, having decided that I am not going to be unhappy for the rest of my life, however long that may be, this is especially true. I will comment on how I have gone about trying to achieve this in future blogs. Key point here: so far whatever I am doing appears to be working, because I am OK and happy.

Experiences in an ever reducing lifetime

Over the past couple of years I have been producing blogs related to my ideas of creating a digital presence, partly to put material about myself onto the world wide web, but more importantly to encourage others to do the same. I am not sure if I have managed to influence anyone, yet, to get their stuff onto the web; but I have noticed a steady increase in the discussion on this topic - over a range of forums. It does appear to be an area that is getting the attention of at least some people.

As I look at the blogs I have produced to date they are fairly closed - from a personal perspective. This was deliberate; my intention was to try and provide some objective thinking around several areas of interest rather than a personal narrative. My thinking here was it is not to hard to find personal stories from people dealing with life threatening illnesses on the web; did I want to add one more? Probably not. So I have kept to a more or less objective focus on topics I have found relevant to  my condition and my attempt to manage it.

But, in recent times I have read more personal stories from people who have had to deal with the fact they are living with cancer, and looked more closely at some bloggers who are willing to be far more open than the average. Jeff Jarvis, BuzzMachine, is a champion in this area. His blogs on how he managed his prostrate cancer have set a bench mark for others to follow.

 Reading an essay by Stephen Jay Gould really made me think - here was an article written by Stephen pre 2002, that I can read on the web, that had a real impact on me. It didn't matter that there are many other examples of people writing out there; they hadn't had an impact on me - this essay did. I realised that I should write, and video, material that is more open - because sometime it may have the message that someone will find helpful and relevant for them.

Then I came across an interesting blog Dancing naked down the street on ProBlogger. Why not? I realised that by not putting a full range of material onto my digital world I was not following my own expectation of putting a diverse range of material onto the web.

So this is the blog where I will now attempt to be open about how I manage my life threatening medical condition and cope with the inevitability of a very low probability of survival for even one more year. Hopefully it will sit "comfortably" alongside my other blogs and my other weaving myself into the web activities.